Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Gray Area

Losing my hair to chemo was pretty devastating.  When it grew back I vowed to never color it again.  I had damaged it so much before cancer that I am surprised it didn't fall out then.  Last spring I started noticing a few too many new gray hairs cropping up.  I decided to go with highlights.  I wanted less chemicals going into my scalp and I figured that highlights could camouflage the gray areas.  

It has been almost a year since I caved and I have had it done one other time trying to stretch the root touch ups as much as I can but my hair grows like a chia pet. Nothing to complain about, I know.   The other day when I was drying my hair I noticed that there are broken pieces along the part.  Little spikes broken off at the grown out root.  This more than bothered me.  I wondered if I was the only one.  I wondered if I should continue. What I really wondered was could I stop and just go gray?

I had been pulling out my stray grays.   But now there are a few too many to use that as my solution.   I swore when my hair grew back I would just be happy to have hair.  That I would never complain about a bad hair day again.  And I usually don't.  Till now.   I know that compared to being bald this is nothing.  And then I wonder why it bothers me so.  

Would you ever go gray?  Are you concerned about chemicals in hair dye?  What is your solution?

Friday, April 24, 2009

His First Relationship

I read somewhere that if a man treats his mother well than it is a good chance that he will treat all the women in his life that way.  It is a barometer to his relationships with women.  It got me to thinking about the men I had been with over the years.  This rings true in so many ways.  I thought about my dad who was abandoned by his mother when he was just a year old.  I thought about how he treated my mom and me.  He had a bad relationship with both of us.  Maybe because the first woman in his life left him.  

Then I thought about my first husband Paul.  He loved his mother and would have done anything for her.  She was a huge part of his life.  He treated her with respect and loved her unconditionally.  Paul and I had a wonderful relationship full of love and respect.  He treated me so well I wondered what was wrong with him!  

The string of guys I dated after Paul died who treated me badly all had bad relationships with their moms.  I didn't think about this at the time but only in hindsight.  If I had know would it have made a difference?  Probably not.  I still would have had to learn from the experience of being with them.  My relationship with my dad affected me greatly and made it hard for me to realize my worth when it came to relationships.

My husband Lou had just lost his mom to cancer a month before we met.  Although I never got to meet her I could tell from him that she was an important woman in his life.  She let him know that the sun rose and set with him. She made him feel like he could do anything and be good at it.  He was very respectful of her and loved her dearly.  Lou is the only other man I ever met that has treated me well.  I wonder if it is because of his good relationship with his mom.

Have you heard this theory?  Does it make you think about the men in your life?  Does it ring true?

Monday, April 20, 2009

Picture Perfect

Yesterday my husband and I did some spring cleaning.  Him more than me.  As I have confessed to before I am the clutter bug in our house.  As I was wafting through a stack of papers he pointed out the dust which had accumulated on our bookshelf.  I keep framed photos on that shelf.  Each shelf tells a story.  Some make me happy, others make me sad, and yet some are bittersweet.  

Besides cleaning the dust he wanted me to change some of the pictures.  He suggested I change them to more recent ones.  Too much of the past he said.  Too many people we have lost.  Although I could see his point I was startled by his idea.  As my eyes scanned each shelf I realized that there were more from the past then the present.  A couple of people I no longer speak with.  My favorites are the ones of he and I, on vacation and others from our wedding.   It was when we were our most happy.  It was before everyone started to die.  

I have always found comfort in photos.  Comfort in the past.  It makes me feel closer to those I have lost at the same time it makes me feel sad.  After my first husband died I spent countless hours over many years sitting on the floor with boxes of photos wet with my tears.  It was how I spent time with him, the memory of him.  It was a comfort until it stopped me from moving forward.  

These days I am feeling stuck in the past.  Too much missing the ones who I have lost.  I can't help but wonder if I should put those pictures away.  Would it make me miss them less?  Would it help me pull my feet out of the mud?

Do you find comfort in pictures?  Does it bring you joy?  Does looking at pictures ever make you feel like you are stuck in the past?  Are yours on display or tucked away for a rainy day?

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Cancer, Relationships and Love in the Group Room

Here is the podcast from Sunday's Group Room Radio Show.  It is definitely worth a listen.  The discussions ranged from dating, intimacy, sex, and looking for love while going through cancer as a young adult.  I shared some of my own experience during the second hour about online dating boobless and bald.  I talked about how difficult it was but how I did find love.  

Listen  and let me know what you think!  Are you a young adult with cancer looking for love?  What has your experience been like?  What advice would you give to others dating with cancer?

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Listen to the Group Room Today!

I had a last minute opportunity arise to share my story with other young cancer survivors.  It will be on the Group Room cancer talk radio show which airs every sunday at 1-3pm PST.   This weeks topic is cancer, relationships and love.   I will be calling in to the show at the top of the second hour at 2pm PST, or for  your NY'ers at 5pm EST.  I will be  sharing my story with dating through cancer and discuss my book Breastless in the City.  
You can listen here

Friday, April 3, 2009

Natural Cancer Cures

After my cancer treatment was over I started to explore  alternative ways to keep myself healthy.  I realized that my nutrition before cancer was pretty nonexistent!  No veggies, no water and barely any fruit. Forget vitamins.  Its no wonder I was always sick with infections and colds.  I just brushed it off because I worked in a hospital around germs 5 days a week not realizing that everyone else there wasn't constantly battling illness all the time like me!   These days  I drink tons of water, use a juicer, take supplements and have explored raw food.  I believe that what I eat helps to keep me well and that stress can also affect the health of my body.  That is what I struggle with more which is another topic to explore later on. Today I wanted to share info about this documentary I found.  I haven't seen it yet but the trailer has caught my interest.  It is about Gerson Therapy which is a natural treatment for many  diseases including cancer.  Its philosphy is "cleansing and reactivating" the body so that it may heal itself. 

Check out the trailer and let me know what you think!

Have you tried alternative methods to maintain your health or cure disease?